Zombie Train To Hell!


            “What?” I asked dumbfaced and wondering if this was just a drunken joke of his.  “Tim Hannigan, always the kidder.”

            “Oh man, I thought you knew?”

            “Wait a second…You’re serious?  You had sex with my girlfriend?”

            “Well, yeah. Hell man, you were there.”

            “What are you talking about?!”

            “Oh, man.  Look, it was just the one time, and everyone knew your deal with her.”

            “What deal?  There was no deal.  What deal?!”

            “Man…you know, I mean, she did the whole football team in high school, and the drum line too.   Everyone knew she was with you, and that you were just cool with the loose relationship you two had.”

            “There was no deal!  Why would you even think that?  And anyways, that’s besides the point.  You’re my best friend…”

            “Damn right dawg.”  He spouts raising his fist for a stupid bro moment that he’s not getting.

            “…why the fuck would you fuck my fucking girlfriend?!”

            “As I said, man, we all knew about the deal…”        

            “There was no fucking deal!”

            “…Well anyway, it didn’t happen until the first week in college.  You know, that first night she snuck in because she was lonely or some shit.  Well, you two cuddled for a bit, and eventually she was just in my bed, waking me up, and the whole time you were over there, I could see you moving around, so I knew you knew you know, and just figured you thought I could use it you know?  So you just had your back to us the whole time, and you kept cuddling against that huge stuffed bear of yours.”

            “God dammit…the bear.  That fucking bear.  I thought your were beating off and I was just hoping that she didn’t wake up during it.  I thought the bear was her.”

            “Oh man, crazy.  Seriously bro, I thought you knew.”

            “But I didn’t fucking know.  And still that’s besides the point of you fucking your best friend’s girlfriend…especially when he hadn’t!”

            Somehow it never occurred to me that this was not already common knowledge.

            “You mean…you…dude?  You never…with her?”

            “Well, no, we were saving ourselves for one another until we were married after graduation.”

            “Hold on, hold on.  Are you still a virgin then?”

            I had cornered myself in the one area you should never get into when you’re at a frat brother party.

            “Oh man, you totally are.  Fuck!  No way!  I never knew, honest, I mean, she slept with everyone.”

            “Except me, and you know, Fuck you…Tim.  You’re my best friend.  We grew up together.  I mean, Eric, I understand that, he’s always been a dick, but you?  My best friend, compadre, the brother I always thought I wanted until it turns out that he’s just the same as the one I’ve already got?”

            “Man, I’m real sorry, really.  But it’s not like you ever said anything about your relationship.  You let her control everything, and I get it, she’s hot, but that’s not a good enough reason to let anyone run your life.”          

            “I don’t even know why I’m listening to you, you’re just some guy who fucked my girlfriend behind my back.  Literally.  So, Fuck you, Tim Hannigan.”

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