The Best Relationship Ever


“That blonde chick with the rack? Yeah, I saw her leaving with a guy. I don’t know where, I wasn’t really paying attention, if you know what I mean.” He gestured to the girl he was talking to. She was also blonde with a bigger chest than the girl I was going after. The only difference was that hers were fake. She’s in one of my classes and she’s dumber than a fence post, but Brian likes them that way. It was about that time I hoped the goddess I was going after was smart. If she was as dumb as Big Boobs McGee here then I was going to be very disappointed. Though if she went with another guy instead of me then she really was dumb. Crestfallen, I joined in the conversation Brian was having with BB about what types of sex were considered cheating if you were in a relationship.

Later, bombed out of my mind, I saw Goddess again. She was standing alone, not waiting for anybody, just drinking and taking in the scene. I decided it was time to man up. Reach down, grab some sack and talk to her. At first I had no idea what to say, but then it came to me, “Hello.”

The conversation stumbled at first, mostly because I kept slurring and forgetting words, but then we got more comfortable. We talked a bit more; I felt the conversation was going my way. We danced a little and I tried sobering up. She laughed and giggled. I got her to do her first beer bong. We were really hitting it off. Everything was going okay until she got up to talk to her friend. I heard her saying something about me, but over the din of the party I couldn’t hear clearly. That’s when my paranoia set in. Whenever I got drunk back in the day I was so afraid of everything. Hearing a siren, even if it was an ambulance, freaked me out because it could’ve been the cops. What if she were talking about how much of a loser I was and how she wanted to get out of there? I had just approached her drunkenly and maybe she thought I could be dangerous. What if she were leading me on, trying to make her boyfriend jealous or something? I still didn’t know who that frat dick was. I decided at that moment I wasn’t going to be made a fool of. I stood up, said I had to use the bathroom and went to the back of the house.

Instead of going to the bathroom I opened a window and crawled out. It was a bit of a drop and things did not go as cool as I’d hoped. I fell into a garbage can and knocked it over. I made it about halfway home before I bumped into another girl, almost knocking her down. I had seen her in a few of my larger psych classes, but never really paid attention. That made me an idiot. She was stunning. She had long black hair and the prettiest green eyes I had ever seen. She was wearing a shirt that matched her eyes. I had to look up into them because she was taller. I apologized for my stupidity and clumsiness. She laughed it off, saying it was no problem. She had been there before and knew how bad coordination could get. She said she recognized me from some of her classes and I admitted I had seen her too. Things were going fine, better than with what’s her name at the party, and then I got ill.

I excused myself and threw up in the street. I tried to stand, but instead fell over, cutting my head on the pavement. The lucky thing was that I didn’t end up falling into my own puke. The girl, Kirsten as it turns out, instead of being disgusted, felt bad for me. She felt responsible and didn’t want to leave me lying by the side of the road where I could get run over. I was still conscious and I was able to tell her how to get me to my house and also how sorry I was. And also how pretty she was. It wasn’t too far and she said she was just out for a walk and I wasn’t causing her to be missing out on anything. She got me to my door and I managed to get my keys out. After that I don’t remember much.

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