I put the pencil back in the drawer and bring the pad with me. I’ll lie on the floor, listen to some music and put this on my chest. It’ll be the best way to be found. Well, not the best, but at least I’m not going out on the toilet like Elvis. I’m going to have a better death than the King. Halfway across the room I start to feel a tickle at my nose. A sneeze. Christ. This is going to be bad. Sneezes can’t be prevented. Even if I do manage to stifle the noise the action is still going to be there. I’ll still jerk my body and hurt myself again. I remember someone once said that if I feel a sneeze coming on I am supposed to think of pineapples. I try to do that, but now I can only think of pineapples sneezing. And my sneeze is still coming.
My mouth opens and air rushes in. Then my body convulses and it turns out I still can feel pain. The wound feels like it’s tearing, getting longer. If the paper towels weren’t already soaked in blood they would probably be getting redder. Tears stream down my eyes and fall onto the carpet. Maybe that’ll get the blood out. Tears of the innocent. I managed to cover my mouth, but not with my hand. I pull the pad of paper out and look at it. My message is still there, but now it is speckled with blood and spit. Maybe I should re-write it. Nah, it’ll look the same no matter what I do. Blood was going to be on it anyway. Hell, my bloody hands have left prints all over it
I sit in my office chair and move the mouse on my computer, turning it on. I open my music folder and put it on random. I don’t really care what it is as long as it drowns out the pain. If I was a prick I’d find some emotional song to make people really sad when they find me, but that’d be the most pretentious thing ever and I don’t want to go out like that. I’ll just let the computer choose what’s best and hope that it doesn’t still have a hard-on for the one Dave Matthew’s Band album I own. The first song starts and I listen to it for a bit until I realize what it is. It’s that old song Love Hurts. I click the mouse for the next song. Hurts so good Click. Lovefool. Click. Happy Death Day. Click. You’re nobody until somebody loves you. Click. Lovers in a dangerous time. What the hell is this? I thought my computer was set to random. And who put this crap on my computer? Did Kirsten do this and I forgot. I give it one more chance and click the mouse again. Hurt by Johnny Cash starts playing. For the first time in my life I’m happy that he died. He deserved it for this. I turn off the computer and decide it’s better to die in silence.
I’m really going to miss Kirsten. I’m going to miss the way she smiles, just a little so you can barely see her teeth, I’m going to miss her laugh. I’m going to miss the way she always tried to cheer me up whenever I was feeling bad. She was my girlfriend and my best friend. If I go to hell I just know that they’re going to use her against me. They’re either going to show me the good times, or the awful times or maybe they’ll just show me how she’s moved on in life now that I’m not there. Sweet, caring Kirsten. I’m still surprised at that anger she showed this afternoon. I know she didn’t really mean it. I remember looking into her eyes as she stabbed me and she was just as surprised as I was.
It’s cold in my apartment now. Or maybe I’m just cold. The wound is still warm and pulsing though. Still reminding me that it’s there and that it’s going to kill me. I can smell the blood and the vodka on me. Maybe this’ll work out. They’ll think I was drinking and fell stupidly onto my knife. Sometimes things just work out.
The phone rings and I let it go. People aren’t going to just stop by if they don’t get an answer. I’m safe and secure. The machine will get it. Then I’ll erase the message so that nobody has to feel the guilt of knowing that they left a really stupid message on my machine while I was bleeding to death not ten feet away. That and I really don’t want to have to pick up the phone and make up more lies. My friends need more than that. They deserve an actual farewell, but I just can’t do that. Right now I just want to sit here and go into a never-ending, peaceful, sleep.