The Alternate Reality Job- A SVHU Yarn


From what I was wearing I was glad of that. My dress shirt hung off me like a cloak. My pants were at least five sizes too big for me. My shoes weren’t as bad as the rest though they still didn’t fit properly. Whoever I was in this world I was a fat guy. Or maybe this was a fat dimension where everybody was completely overweight. I looked at a doorway. It was normal sized…no, not a world of fat people, I was just changed into a fat person.

I pulled the washcloth a way and touched my nose. Seeing no fresh blood on my fingers I tossed the cloth away. I stepped out of the giant pants and rooted around the pockets until I found a wallet. The license said I was Isaac Jenkins and I weighed…347 pounds! Christ!

There was nothing else of mention. All the other stats like hair color, eye color, etc were the same. I gleamed no other information from any of the other cards in the wallet, just credit cards, insurance cards and, what should’ve been covered under a layer of dust, a gym membership card. I found about fifty dollars in cash I took out. The other pockets had nothing else but a pen and a set of keys.

The kitchen around me looked nice. A lot of bright woods and vibrant colors. All the fixtures and hanging pots were brushed chrome. Outside the window was  a large swimming pool…that I doubt Isaac ever used beyond splashing in the shallow end. Beyond the white privacy fence I saw a large, well-kept house that gave me an idea of what the house I was in looked like.

Whoever I was supposed to be was pretty well-off.

The dress shirt felt like a sail wrapped around me so I tore it off, leaving me naked in the kitchen. I was thinking about what to do when I heard someone shout to me.

“Isaac, honey, I’m leaving for my hair appointment.” It was a woman’s voice from upstairs.

Instinctively my hand dropped down to my hip where normally a gun would be. Of course it wasn’t. Without a gun I felt more naked than ever. I grabbed a knife out of the block on the counter and crouched down out of sight. I would have some sort of surprise on whoever came into the kitchen. There was no other way. I couldn’t imagine she would believe that I was Isaac Jenkins. The only possible way I could be him is if he time-traveled back to 1943 and got stuck in a concentration camp.

“Isaac…” I heard something familiar to her voice, but I couldn’t quite place it.

“I’m here…dear…have fun!” I shouted, trying to put as much bass in my voice so I sounded like a fat person.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes…sweetie…I think I’m just coming down with a summer cold.”

“Alright. I’ll see you later. Don’t forget we’re having dinner with the Reynolds tonight.”

I heard a door open. I peered around the corner down the hallway. I saw a woman at the door and recognized her. It was Dana Devastation, my kind-of-girlfriend/wife from my world. She looked mostly the same, same facial features, nearly white blonde hair, but unlike me, she’d grown smaller in this world. My Dana was eight feet tall, this imitation was barely five feet even in her heels and had no muscles on her at all.

She closed the door. A moment later I crept up to it and looked out the peep-hole. She strutted to a Silver Mercedes and got into the driver’s seat. Already she was on her phone, talking and laughing with someone. I waited until she sped off before I moved to a bigger window to make sure she was truly gone.

I calmed down only a little. I went around the house and did a room-to-room sweep until I was absolutely sure I was alone. As I moved I noted details trying to get an idea what this world was like. I couldn’t gleam much, only bits about Isaac’s life from pictures on the wall.

I was fat and always had been. Didn’t let myself go, too many pictures of Isaac’s youth as a chubby kid. Somehow I managed to snag Dana anyway. Perhaps Isaac was especially charming? Or funny?

Wedding photos proved that we were actually married in this world, not Dana’s fantasy marriage she claimed I entered into. Isaac and this Dana were childless. I found no playrooms or any photos of children. The house was also too clean.

There were lots of photos of Dana and what I took to be her family. It was a female heavy clan, but didn’t indicate that she was a different race like she was in my world. It started to bother me that I couldn’t figure out exactly what was different about this world compared to mine. It was probably something obvious, but I was only seeing my life, not the world.

It didn’t take long once I hit the computer room. This world didn’t have any powers. No one was extra-special. Everything was exactly the same in terms of history except for the details of the circumstances. A senator I killed five months before was still dead, only shot by an insane Army veteran. Numerous other acts of destruction I knew were performed by my fellow villains were either performed by ordinary terrorists or natural disasters here.

This made it clear that whoever changed the world did it on purpose. They wanted to live in a world without powers so they could do whatever they wanted.

I figured it was one of the major villains. No one who went to the bar would be this arrogant- or stupid- to change the world. Our plans were never that grandiose. Most of us wanted a bit of cash, maybe some respect. None of us had any real eye for world conquering. Hell, the only person I knew who regularly traversed alternate dimensions was The Pornographer and he definitely didn’t have his eye on being the ruler of the universe.

I slapped my head. That was my answer- The Pornographer. He could help me. All I had to do was find him. He had the ability to walk from one dimension to the next. He used to be known as The Transporter (before the movie came out) and he would rob banks by walking through dimensions until he found one where the bank was rubble or a field, then he could shift back to our world, grab the money, reverse the whole process and have some cash.

He wasn’t much of a fighter, never learned how to properly defend himself. He carried a gun, but wasn’t good with it. Consequently he got his ass handed to him numerous times by almost every super hero in Paradiso, most commonly Brilliant Brian, a hero who used light as a weapon.

That’s when The Transporter went off the deep-end for a while. He became obsessed with beating Brilliant Brian until he was committing crimes solely to attract the hero’s attention. Nothing worked and he would get beaten up again, driving him slowly crazier.

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